December 26, 2018

Trump Gives Defense Secretary James Mattis the Boot 2 Months Early, as Told by Beyoncé Lyrics

Photo: AP 


“To the left, to the left, Everything you own in the box to the left...


”Days removed from being on the receiving end of one of the best reads in recent memory, our soon-to-be former Secretary of Defense James Mattis came home to find his Nikes on the curb and his car engulfed in flames à la Waiting to Exhale.  Because on Sunday morning, our Commander-in-Tweet announced that not only is he replacing Mattis two months early, but he’s making things Facebook official with his replacement—Acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan—on New Years Day. “I am pleased to announce that our very talented Deputy Secretary of Defense, Patrick Shanahan, will assume the title of Acting Secretary of Defense starting January 1, 2019,” he tweeted. “Patrick has a long list of accomplishments while serving as Deputy, & previously Boeing. He will be great!”


This of course, comes on the heels of the diss trackletter of resignation that Mattis released on Thursday—an eloquent read of the highest order in which he basically said 45 needs to hire people who’ll agree with him for a living. In the letter, Mattis announced that he would retire at the end of February. But apparently his boss had other plans.


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